By Sam Phay

It is not very often I could sleep continuously till dawn without waking up in the middle of the night. Recently, when I woke up after a long uninterrupted deep sleep, I wondered whether I was dead or still alive.

I am sure most of us would like to die in our sleep. It is painless and free from anxiety. Unfortunately, it rarely happens. I asked myself if I am stricken with a terminal illness without much time left, will I be prepared for it?

Mr TMT was a childhood friend, and we had known each other since primary school. Last year, he was diagnosed with last stage lung cancer and the doctor had given him 3 months’ time. As a devout Buddhist, he understood the nature of life and was ready to accept death. And thus, chose not to undergo any treatment.

His condition deteriorated very fast and within weeks, he was admitted into a hospice care facility.

I visited him as often as I could. We enjoyed reminiscing about the past, the good and the bad times we had. He said to me life is like a journey and for whatever reasons, his journey has ended earlier than me. He fully understood it was due to causes and conditions and there’s nothing much he could do but to accept it.

During the last few days of his life, his mood swinged between contentment (perhaps due to his Buddhist upbringing) and fear. On a bad day, when his mind was fraught with pain and fear, it was painful to watch. It was very clear he was not prepared for death.

The most common fears during moment of death are :

• Fear of the unknown beyond death
• Fear of losing our loved ones and our possessions
• Fear of losing our ego and the physical body

Due to our ignorance, we are attached to our ego, identity and the physical body. It is understandable as we have been brought up with a name given by our parents, an ID given by the government, attained rewards for our achievements and a physical body which we cherished. Even though we know them as impermanent and unreal, we hang onto it desperately, terrified of letting it go, not realising grasping them is the source of our problems and creating fears in our mind.

Fears are negative thoughts which our mind tend to focus on. To leave this world peacefully, it is crucial to free ourselves from these fears. Our teachers are constantly reminding us to watch our thoughts. Looking at our thoughts is like looking at the clouds in the sky from a distant. It arises and it dissipates. It is constantly moving and changing. Similarly, we should also be watching our thoughts from a distant, just observing it without any attachments. Thus, we are not affected by it as it drifts in and out of our mind. The earlier we can observe our thoughts and emotions arising, the earlier we can let go of them and become more peaceful and at ease.

Our teachers have also taught us about “Sugata (善逝)” which I loosely translate it as “Compassionate Death“ – a death that is compassionate to one’s own body and mind.

We want to leave this world free and easy, with our body free of any emotional baggage, and our mind without any conflicts unresolved and free of defilements. While we are still alive, we should be ready to show our appreciations, forgive others for their bad and apologise to whom we have wronged before it is too late, so that we can let go of our baggage and move on in peace and at ease.

I like how Venerable Fa Liang described death: Like a wilted leave breaking off gently from the tree branch, drifting gracefully and peacefully onto the ground (without any fear and attachments), merging and returning to Mother Earth. We should aim to pass on like the wilted leave after taking our last breath, calmly returning to our mind without any differentiation, without any attachment, without any affliction.

I find this quote by THE DALAI LAMA very useful.

We cannot hope to die peacefully if our minds have mostly been agitated by emotions like anger, attachment or fear. So if wish to die well, we must learn how to cultivate peace in our mind, and in our way of life.